Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
