I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
