Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
