burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
