Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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