i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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