I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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