You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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