this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
