life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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