If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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