Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
