I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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