Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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