Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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