im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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