a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
