Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
