i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
