Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
