a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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