Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
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