Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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