It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
