is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
