My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
