my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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