While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
