Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
