Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
