I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
