Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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