im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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