how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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