How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
