take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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