so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
