I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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