how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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