Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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