I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
