I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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