Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my being single is dangerous.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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