I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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