i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
