I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I will be naked everywhere
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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