He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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