Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
