Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
