I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
